Life in a small town is supposed to be devoid of undue excitement. But recently the usual peace and tranquility of the local McDonalds restaurant was shattered by the sound of metal being demolished and the screeching of tortured tires by near-death circumstances.
Mallory Seevers, retired oil-and-gas energy professional and current youth transportation specialist, was entering the McDonalds parking lot when his vehicle was struck and torn asunder by a car being operated in the reverse mode by former hair fashion stylist and current real estate mogul, Sir Kenneth Clark. It was reported by scientists on the west coast that the tremendous impact of the resultant collision registered a record teeth-jarring 9.5 on the Richter scale. And corroborating eye witnesses estimated the closing speed of the two vehicles at two to three miles per hour and further, forensic experts were able to detect measurable skid marks and crash debris with the aid of an ordinary electron microscope.
When the dust cleared, it was readily apparent that Seevers needed help in extricating himself from the tangled wreckage of his vehicle. It is unclear at this time whether his many rescuers were trained paramedics or nosy busybodies who didn=t have anything better to do.
Seevers complained of bruises, lacerations, and contusions over 99 per cent of his body. Seevers can be seen in the accompanying photograph entering McDonalds restaurant on the following day with the aid of an ambulatory walker and a hemmoroidal pillow. Not shown are the extensive injuries to his teeth and bridgework. He is reported to have accused Clark of being completely blind, and Clark reportedly replied, ABlind? I hit you didn=t I.@ [This is an example of an excited utterance in legal circles.]
A law enforcement official trained in the investigation of complex automotive crash scenes was clearly required before excessive deterioration occurred in the quality of critical physical evidence. Therefore a priority request was sent out for an expert in the determination of crash scene causal factors, and due to the close proximity of the Daylight Donut Shop, his arrival time was expected to be minimal.
As is usual in a case of this type, some confusion and misinformation occurred when the officer began a reconstruction of the crash sequence and all contributing factors. He interviewed every credible eyewitness, and eventually settled upon Alva=s very own Ross Graham to provide valuable insight as to the salient facts of the case. Graham was quoted as saying, AI saw Kenney ditch his beer can out of his driver=s side window. It beats me as to what happened to Mallory=s. You know those two get downright mean and surly when they=re drunk.@
The officer inquired of Seevers as to whether the experience had been so traumatic as to cause his whole life to flash before his eyes. Graham, however, quickly interjected that the flash had most likely been that of a Coors Light beer can.
The investigating officer broke several pencil points in his notebook before departing the crash site muttering that he should have become an astronaut. It is understood that the matter is still under intense investigation. Hypnotically enhanced questioning of Graham has been suggested, although Graham has said that higher witness fees are more likely to get the job done B as a matter of Afact@ that his testimony will definitely favor the highest bidder.
Preliminary negotiations are rumored to have begun as to the movie rights to the story with Stephen Spielberg reportedly showing some interest if he can get Tom Cruise to play the part of Seevers and Brad Pitt to play Clark. But the chances of finding stunt doubles who are willing to duplicate the dangerous conditions of the relevant car crash are admittedly slim. And the cost of casting the many patrons of McDonalds and the Daylight Donut Shop may be prohibitive. C=est la vie in a small town.
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