Money Can Make You Rich

Now then, we’ll assume that our domestic hero has been sufficiently slickered by feminine wiles and charm to attempt to improve the homestead. Logically the next step is to figure out how to pay for it.

Nothing spends quite so well as money – you just can’t afford to run out of it before you run out of project. To obtain a thumbnail estimate of the total cost, one only has to triple any estimates obtained from local craftsmen, and then allow for substantial cost over-runs. (Warning: some “sticker shock” may occur at this point.)

But one must remember that you get what you pay for. And trust me, by this measure, the craftsman will do his very best to get you a whole lot.

Once the man of the house recovers from the sheer size of the cost estimations, the only real financial barrier becomes one of arranging for the proverbial fool to part with his money and finance this very worthwhile project. After making a “hit list” of likely (well heeled) fools in the area, our hero should take care to eliminate her relatives and friends from consideration. Such a measure may keep future failures from becoming fatal to him.

If there is anyone left on the list of financial sources, he can try out his interpersonal skills forthwith. If not, he can try to ”finesse” the local craftsmen when it comes time to pay up. (Please note I did NOT say “stiff”.)

W. C. Fields furnished an example of this approach by making the offer of, “My good man, I would never insult you with cash, I’ll give you my personal IOU.” The vast majority of craftsmen will nevertheless insist on being insulted in greenbacks.

And we wind up with a poor guy being faced with a project that will cost an arm and a leg. At this point, the most important consideration in home improvement projects involves a determination involving two factors – is the cost of avoidance greater than the cost of compliance.

Because an accurate computation of the cost of avoidance involves many “qualitative factors” including such things as the risk of cold meals and the discomfort of long nights spent on the sofa (which could also trigger reprisal action from a less than impartial mother in law), perhaps it would be best to begin with the cost of compliance.

The cost of compliance consists largely of tallying: (1) the cost of materials, (2) the cost of labor, and (3) “incidental expenses”. The first two are pretty well self explanatory, but the third will require some elaboration.

For example, if the project goes reasonably well (a relative rarity in home improvements), there are additional necessary expenses such as paying for a “celebratory dinner”. And of course, there are the additional incidentals such as having professional “before and after” photographs taken of the project to be sent to all her relatives and friends. And of course one picture will be reserved for his dusty, dogeared scrapbook – if he can find it. (You’d better figure on about a thousand pics in this case – after all, no sense in getting extravagant.)

But if the project doesn’t go quite so well (true in the vast majority of domestic cases), damage control needs to be begun at the earliest possible moment. In extreme situations, our disgraced husband (who is now referred to as an “incompetent” or a “worthless bum”), should apologize profusely and consider assuming all blame for having started the project in the first place.

Then, along with the cost of destroying and removing all visible evidence of said project (preferably ASAP), he should consider buying out the entire inventory at the local flower shop to assuage Honey Dimples’ disappointment and anger. (Although some veterans of domestic debacles find that chocolate works best in such cases.)

Finally, incidental expenses will necessarily include such things as medical expenditures for mashed fingers, assorted bandages, and (if he partakes) several rounds of “liquid sympathy” at the local water hole.

By adding up all the likely expenses of a proposed project, the reader can readily determine that home improvement is not something to be undertaken lightly. For as pointed out above, obtaining a cost estimate with the degree of accuracy required will necessarily involve seeking advice from qualified experts. Fortunately the coffee shops of Alva provide copious quantities of advisors (expert and otherwise) who will render advice on any given subject matter for the price of a cup of coffee.

And so far this year by following my own advice, I haven’t made a single mistake in judgment – that I can remember. But unfortunately, at our house I know someone who can.