“Domestic Relations 101 – the Handy Man”

Be it ever so shabby there’s no place like home. But if a “handy man” resides therein, it need not remain shabby for very long. Perhaps during the “improvement stage”, the homestead may become a little “neglected” or “unsightly”, but if the situation is managed properly with flowers and/or chocolates in times of crisis, it seldom amounts to anything serious.

To further elucidate on the matter, let us consider a typical case situation involving a home improvement project (albeit entirely hypothetical of course.) The source of one of the strongest emotions known to modern man (scientific name hemanus domesticus) is to hear his “dearly beloved” say that she is s-o-o grateful for what he has provided through his sweat and endless toil.

In such cases his mind will, of course, begin to ease into that uniquely male mental state (a/k/a “neutral”), and he begins to drift comfortably back into a haze of sentimental thoughts. He has indeed been a good husband, and her realization of just how good is soon going to be expressed in a v-e-r-y romantic way.

Then she adds the key word that snaps him out of his dreamy trance by mentioning the word, “BUT”. The word penetrates his consciousness like an arrow hitting its mark dead center. “BUT” (emphasis added.) He struggles to regain a status of full alert. There wasn’t supposed to be any “but” in a sentence when she is handing out superlatives concerning her husband’s accomplishments, but she definitely has one stuck in the middle of this one.

Instinctively he quickly checks her eyes for clues as to where she might be going this time with her “but”. Through experience, he’s learned that if the word is said with only one bat of her eyelashes and has little irritation showing, it’s probably nothing more that an unemptied trash can or possibly a car needing a wash job. (I.e. no sweat in this case.)

Next however, she shifts into that communication overdrive gear that only women (and tobacco auctioneers) possess, and a torrent of barely understandable words pass quickly from her impeccably made up mouth in a micro-second of real time.

He is able to pick out a recognizable phrase here and there, but much of her message goes right past his straining ears. He picks out the words, “it won’t cost much” . . .and later . . “it will make the guest room so much nicer . . “ finally finishing with . . “and it will add to the value of our home.”

Her eyelashes then flit seductively in that unique female version of Morse code that signals a significant message has come his way. Further, her body language is that of a half-flirting, half-shy coquette.

He quickly assumes the classic male debating posture of non-commitment by plastering a puzzled look on his face, and mumbling a non-confrontational, “yes dear.” Another classic male tactic – backpedal and stall for time until he sorts out the situation – and in the meantime he’ll develop a viable excuse to be used if her feminine wiles have some work for him in the near future.

Then his nasal passages detect just a hint of additional perfume usage by her. It’s usually a very pleasant experience, but this time the hair on the back of his neck is standing straight up -- a sure sign of possible danger.

Quickly he checks the status of their (correction her) oven, and detects the first delicate wafts of baking pastry. His now highly sensitized taste buds begin to swell and moisten as he detects the definite aroma of fresh cherry pie – his absolute favorite dessert.

With the time and experiences of a veteran husband under his belt (and a considerable number of servings of cherry pie as well), our domesticated man will learn to proceed from the circumstances of the “baking stage” (a/k/a “trap-setting stage”) to the “hook-setting stage” of home improvement projects with cautious deliberation. But for any new boy at discovering the subtleties of domestic subterfuge, he’s mere meat on the table (a/k/a “putty in her hand.”)

There are, of course, many tried and true male tactics which can be employed once he discovers her true intentions. But he must be careful not to over use common avoidance ploys such as trick knees or scarce finances too often, or he risks much more than the loss of cherry pie for dessert.

Up next on the Coffee House Philosopher, a discussion of the finances involved whenever a home improvement project is begun. We’ll get some valuable input from some of the regular contributors of your local coffee shop, and help you turn that house into a home – or a castle if that’s your preference.