Avoiding St. Valentine’s Day Massacre

As we near the end of a dreary, cold winter, and our spirits begin to be lifted by
the prospects of a fresh, warm spring, a young person’s thoughts naturally turn to affairs of the heart, and February 14 – a very important date. One that is filled with opportunity for romantic progress, but one also fraught with the danger of numerous pitfalls for the uninformed. Perhaps some pointers are in order to help guide young males through these treacherous shoals of time when we plant the seeds of future relationships.

Now then (ahem), where L’amour and young people are concerned, there are certain rituals in which the correct procedure must absolutely be followed to the letter. Young women are intimately familiar with the finer points of said rituals, but alas, young men are frequently misinformed or sadly ignorant of the intricacies of such rites. In many cases, the female must often feign a delighted surprise at our young male’s efforts to acquire a better understanding of such unfamiliar things as flowers, chocolates, and delicate jewelry.

Speaking of jewelry, perhaps it would be enlightening to change course with an
example of how NOT to buy a meaningful item for that special someone. To that purpose, allow me to recall an observation of one of Alva’s favorite senior citizens, Bob Reneau. Incidentally, Bob will speak with ninety years of sage experience, this
February 8.

One bright spring day quite a few years ago, Bob was looking out his jewelry store window when he spotted a young couple coming toward his store, the young man leading their way by perhaps a nose (as they say at Churchill Downs.)

The young man entered the jewelry store first, and strode forcefully (rather like
St. George parting the crowded throngs) to the store’s engagement ring display of $100, or less, blissfully unaware that the young lady had stopped at the place where Reneau had placed rings priced $500 and above. (You really ought to get Bob to tell you this story, but I’ll continue since I’ve already got you going on it.)

“Oh Charles,” she said, “look at this beautiful ring set, it’s absolutely divine.”

“How much is it?” he shot back in a challenging voice, tinged with slightly negative
overtones.

“The engagement ring is priced at only $495,” she replied (obviously trying to get past his negativity), “and it’s got a matching wedding band for only $295.”

“Five hundred dollars,” he exclaimed, “why that’s more than a pure bred Hereford cow costs!” (The reader will note that the ever practical male typically rounds off fractions so that his listener can obtain a better grasp of the economic factors involved.)

She immediately reddened, and blustered, “Then if you feel that way, you can just find a cow to put your ring on,” and departed stage left – her high heels drumming an angry staccato on the floor as she stalked out the door,leaving Bob and the young man speechless.

The two men tried not to look each other in the eye, and eventually the young chap mumbled something about the gathering storm, and slinked rather silently out the door. (On a scale of one to ten, I’d rate the young man’s initial acquisition attempt at an overly generous “two”.)

Two weeks later, Bob was again looking out his store window, when he noticed the same couple approaching, this time with the young lady out front. She came through the door (after he’d held it open for her), and he followed her in.

She went directly to the display containing the $495 dollar ring, pointed it out and said, “Charles this is a nice one.” To which he (respectfully) replied, “Indeed it is sweetheart.” There was just the slightest hint of an aroma of thoroughly cooked goose that wafted through the room as Bob wrapped up the ring, taking care to avoid the eyes of the young man.

Subbing for Aesop (ahem), allow me to summarize the moral of the story in Bob’s story thusly. The person who leads the way down the street or into your store is going to control the situation. And if you’re the one that’s going to have to deal with the situation, be ever alert for a sudden change in leadership.

To put it another way, it is a well established fact that in most households it is the man that rules the roost. But one must never forget who rules the rooster.
Mastering the art of gift giving provides the accomplished donor with a natural
grace that goes far beyond the requirements of good manners. So, of course, it
involves more than merely buying something, scribbling out a quick sentiment, and handing it over before a deadline passes.

At one time I was the coach of the NWOSU womens’ golf team. When we were traveling, I learned a little about dealing with feminine expectations where Valentine’s Day issues are concerned. As the girls patiently explained, if a valentine present is only offered as a token to meet an obligation of polite society, he can f-o-r-g-e-t i-t! For her, it is not merely a matter of receiving a gift on a birthday, Christmas, or Valentine’s day, because it tends to be “the unexpected gift at an unexpected time” that speaks to her heart and puts that matchless sparkle in her eye. Not that he can neglect her on such important dates without incurring her wrath, which will be strongly affirmed by every female within earshot.

Accomplishing some things requires patience and determination. For example,
mathematician and amateur naturalist, Roland Meyer points out that in South America, a hunter might follow quarry wounded by a poison dart from his trusty blowgun for days before they finally succumb to the small amount of toxin. In the United States, it is just possible that a neglected and unappreciated “family cook” might harbor thoughts of accomplishing the same results with twenty years of bad meatloaf.

A guy had best learn to say “thank you for loving me” at appropriate times and in meaningful ways – and it also wouldn’t hurt to keep the phone number of the local florist handy.